


If You Love Me

by Zeyra



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner Feels, Bruce Banner Has Issues, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Clint tries to fix him, Depression, Guilt, Hurt! Bruce Banner, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-21 05:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15550368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeyra/pseuds/Zeyra
Summary: Something is wrong with Bruce. Something is very wrong. Clint doesn't know what, but he knows he will not let the shy scientist drown. The thing is, he's not very good at communication, and Bruce is not very good at getting clues, and too caugh up in his dark thoughts to see the hand that is offered to him, and feel the love that comes with it.It's not like anyone ever loved him anyway.---------------Short extract from chapter 1 :He was used to no food, no sleep, and days spent alone in his lab, pretending to work, but actually reading the same book over and over, only able to think “I wish he’d love me, I wish, oh I wish he’d actually love me back.” But always remembering just what he is and why exactly he does not deserve anything but pain, anyone but monsters like him.He was used to the cold touch of a gun against his temple, and the ‘bang’ as it goes off for the twelth time of the day.----------------(This fic has been named by Bruce but Clint would like you to know that the appropriate title is “STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK YOU ADORABLE ASSHOLE”)





	1. Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ! I started writing this fanfic a while ago after listening for the first time to If You Love Me, by Flatsound. The song inspired this fic a lot, but I also listened to a band called Archive while writing. And Twenty One Pilots but I bet most of you know this band so I don't really need to mention it :)
> 
> I really recommend listening to Archive or Flatsound while reading :D
> 
> I know the pairing is unusual, but hey, you can't blame me for wanting to write about other characters, right ? It's not like I wrote a Bruce/Thanos....... I'm sure it exists though, if you want to read it XD 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING : Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm, mentions of emotional and physical child abuse
> 
> If you ever feel the need to talk, I know it's kinda cliché, but I'm here, the only thing i ever ask from my friends is that they read what I write ^^' so, yeah, if you need a friend, I always like meeting new people and I am really really nice I swear :)

>   
>  I can always pick up books  
>  In the search of what I need  
>  -If You Love Me, Flatsound  
> 

The first time Clint noticed something was wrong with Bruce, was the night after their first battle.

The genius was just sitting on the ground, staring into the void. He was not there. He was not there at all.

And of course, Clint would have came and helped, he would have tried to get the man out of his mental hell, but at that moment, so soon after what happened ? After.. Loki ? 

He couldn’t. 

 

\---------

 

The second time Clint saw a flaw in Bruce’s quiet and peaceful appearance, was when the genius fell asleep during the first movie night of the team. They had chosen star wars, because Tony could not bare having the last two unspoiled beings on the planet in his tower.

Bruce had fallen asleep on Clint’s shoulder, and the archer’s first instinct had been to wake him up, but Natasha had read him like an open book and shook her head no, glaring at him.

Clint had the feeling that she, like him, suspected that the physicist wasn’t getting enough sleep.

So the bowman tried to ignore the curled hair tickling his throat and the soft hot breaths against his skin as he focused on the movie. 

Well. He tried. 

What actually happened is that he stared at the screen, wide eyed and tense, trying - and failing - not to blush as he realized just how good it felt to have Bruce so close to him. 

He was in trouble.

Natasha gave him a look that told him she knew. 

In so much trouble.

However Clint’s more than friendly thought towards his teammate disappeared when he felt the other man tense and twitch against him. Turning his head away from Natasha and to the scientist, he saw that the man was frowning, and his closed eyes were wet.

Oh. Bad dream.

‘What about ?’ Thought Clint as he shook Bruce awake.

The man awoke with a start, but the rest of the team had probably been glared at by Natasha beforehand because they didn’t react at all.

“Hey Bruce, you okay ?” Whispered Clint.

“Of course I am, but thank you for asking, Clint.” Replied Bruce. 

Clint’s very good eyesight told him otherwise. 

 

\-------

 

The first time Clint understood what was wrong, was also the third time he noticed something was, indeed, wrong.

After a battle where the Hulk had been particularly violent towards the enemies, tearing the aliens apart and spilling their guts on the ground, leaving pink alien blood everywhere around him, Bruce had be even quieter than usual.

No one had thought anything about this, at first. Maybe the most adorable of their geniuses was more exhausted than usual.

After two days of complete silence, Clint and Natasha had started feeling concerned. 

After a week, everyone else was asking Bruce if he was okay, and when the physicist gave them a so painfully obvious fake smile and replied he was ‘fine, thank you’ they asked Natasha, or Clint. 

After two weeks, Bruce was barely seen out of his lab anymore. Even less than Tony, and that was saying something.

So one night Clint made food.. Well he brought food that Tasha had made, but it was the intention that counted, right ? And he knocked on the lab door.

The glass was tainted black, just like when Tony’s lab was on blackout, but Bruce opened the door.

The man looked really tired. And pale. And he had lost weight. 

And all this was far, so far from okay.

Bruce smiled. It was a small, sad and tired thing. 

“Hey Clint. Why are you here ? Are you okay ?”

“Are you fucking serious ?! No I’m not okay ! Look at you ! How could I be okay ! Let me in.” 

Clint was furious. And in pain. How dared Bruce treat himself like that ? Didn’t he think about the people who cared about him ? The archer pushed past the protesting scientist and entered the lab.

It was a mess.

Blood. Broken glass. Pills. Was that… Alcohol ? Yup. It definitely smelled like it.

He walked further into the lab, trying to understand what had happened. Behind him, Bruce was silent.  
His feet hit something small and metallic that went rolling on the ground and under one of the lab tables. 

A bullet. 

As Clint’s eyes settled on the gun laying on the ground, surrounded by empty bottles of pills and alcohol, realisation dawned on him.

His fists clenched. 

His throat tightened, making it so much harder to breathe. 

His vision blurred.

 

\------

 

The first time Bruce thought that maybe Clint loved him, or at least cared for him, was when the archer dropped to his knees on the broken glass and the pills that covered the floor of his lab. 

“Clint, it’s alright. I’m alright. I can’t die.” He told the man quietly.

‘Even if I want to.’ He added mentally.

“But you sure as hell are trying !” Growled the bowman, but it was low. Pained. 

“Your knees must be hurting. Let me look at them.”

The blond laughed, but it was an ugly sound.

“I’m the one who’s hurt here ? Look at yourself !”

“I’m fine.”

“No !! No you’re not ! Stop saying this !”

“I’m functional.”

Clint laughed again. That same sad laugh that Bruce was growing to hate.

“No. You need help.”

Bruce frowned. He did not want help. He could manage himself.

There was a short silence, during which Clint took deep breaths, obviously trying to calm himself down. The physicist hadn’t meant to make anyone cry. And yet, here Clint was, standing in the middle of his mess, fresh tear tracks on his cheeks.

“It’s okay Clint.” He tried again.

The blond stared at him for a few seconds before going right to the gun, picking it up, and throwing it in the trash. 

“W-what are you doing Clint ?” Asked Bruce, even though he knew. He knew what the man was doing.

“I’m cleaning this mess.”

The scientist could see blood soaking through the other man’s jeans. 

“I’ll do it myself, you can go. You’re hurt. Please stop walking you have glass in your knees.”

The genius knew that it was stupid to try to reason with the sniper right now, but he had to try. 

“Like hell I’m going to leave you alone” Growled Clint.

And that’s how Bruce found himself fixing Clint’s bleeding knees at 3 in the morning, after the scientist had accepted to let him clean the lab afterwards.

Clint had stopped talking, but he hadn’t stopped staring at him, not even for a second.

The way those eyes seemed to be pleading Bruce to explain, to let the archer comfort him, made the scientist’s stomach feel weird. Something between pain and longing.

Clint had cleaned it all. For hours he had picked up the glass, the pills, the bullets, before wiping all the blood.  
During all this time, neither of them said a word. 

And when the archer left, Bruce ignored how much it felt like all the oxygen had disappeared from the room with the blond.

 

\-------

 

The first time Bruce hoped that maybe, just maybe, Clint loved him back, was two days after those events.

He had finally returned to the ‘land of the living’ like Clint and Thor called it jokingly, and was making himself some tea, almost glad that he hadn’t ran into anyone. He knew Clint had most likely told them everything.

He wondered why no one had came to him yet.

 

Maybe he didn’t deserve it.

On his way to the communal kitchen, Bruce had went to his quarters and picked up a few books. He planned to spend the day reading in the communal floor.

He would never say it out loud, but he felt lonely. 

And of course, of course he knew it was stupid to be where anyone could find him when the first thing any of the avengers was going to do was give him the sad look. Not just any sad look. The sad look.

The one you give to a dying man.  
The one you give to someone too broken to be fixed.

So he drank his coffee, ate half a bowl of cereals, made a tea, and went to the living room, his pile of books in his hands, and the cup of tea on the top.

He was so focused on avoiding to spill his tea that he didn’t notice that he was entering a room full of people. 

He sat in his favorite armchair, placed his cup of tea on the table next to him, and opened the first book. 

It was a book about two men, being in love, but one was too shy and emotionally constipated to admit it, and the other was too caught up in his own problems to even realise he was feeling something. 

‘So cliché. Those things Don’t happen in real life.’ Thought Bruce everytime. But he liked this book a lot anyway. He could not even remember the exact number of times he had read it.

Despite being cliché, this book made him dream. Dream that maybe, someone, out there, someone loved him for who he was, no matter how much he hated himself.

Slowly, that faceless someone had turned into Clint.

Now he dreamed that maybe, just maybe, Clint might love him back.

\------------

The first time Clint noticed something was strange about Bruce was two days later, when the genius walked in the common room with a pile of books in his hands and a cup of tea on top.

Typical. And cute. So cute. 

He opened his mouth to say hi but Natasha glared at him. Clint understood the message, and sealed his lips.

All the Avengers were in the room. They had been talking about Bruce when the guy had just.. Walked in and sat in his usual armchair. It looked comfy but no one ever dared to sit in it because it was Bruce’s. 

And now there was a heavy silence hanging in the air. Had the genius even seen them ? Judging by Natasha’s amused expression and Tony’s just as amused but also understanding one, he hadn’t. 

Clint smirked. 

“Hey Brucie”

The genius jumped and turned green for a split second. 

He stood up, looking around wildly. 

“I-I-I-I didn’t see-see you there. I’m sorry. Uh… Hi ? Sorry.” The physicist apologized.

Actually apologized. For… For what exactly ?

“What the fuck ? Don’t be sorry. It was cut-” Clint coughed. “Funny.”

Bruce stared at him. Then, after a second, avoided his gaze and blushed.

Oh shit. Did it mean that… Oh shit. Clint grinned. That was awesome. 

 

\-----------

 

The first time Bruce wondered if Clint was in love with him was also the first time in years that he accepted a hug.

Everyone had left the room. One by one, they had left Bruce to his reading. 

He hadn’t meant to make them go. He just wanted some company, but they must have thought he wanted to be left alone.

The faint sound of the tv still filled the silence. 

And Bruce didn’t want to fool himself. He was alone. 

“Turn off the tv, Jarvis.” He ordered in a quiet voice without bothering to look up from his book.

The sound of the tv stopped. 

“Hey” Protested Clint. “If you wanted it on mute, you just had to say it, I can read lips. Or put the subtitles on. That’d actually be smarter.”

Bruce looked up, bewildered. What the hell was Clint doing here ?

“I was watching tv until you turned it off.” Replied the archer, frowning and pretending to glare at him, but somehow Bruce knew the blond didn’t mean it.

“Sorry” He said, before going back to his reading. He was almost at the part where the lovers met for the first time, it was one of his favorites.

Two hands landed softly on his shoulders.

“What are you reading ?” Asked Clint, softly.

Bruce startled and looked up and twisted his head, trying to look at the man behind him. 

“W-what are you doing Clint ?”

“Massaging your shoulders ? You’re so tense, it’s crazy.” The man was mumbling, and Bruce couldn’t quite see him because of the angle, but he suspected that Clint might be blushing.

He didn’t know what to do.

Clint didn’t know it, but right under the shirt he was massaging Bruce through, there used to be scars. They had disappeared when Hulk was created.

He wasn’t used to friendly touches.

He was used to screams. Belts. Soldiers shooting at him. People fearing him. Flinching away from him.

He was used to no food, no sleep, and days spent alone in his lab, pretending to work, but actually reading the same book over and over, only able to think “I wish he’d love me, I wish, oh I wish he’d actually love me back.” But always remembering just what he is and why exactly he does not deserve anything but pain, anyone but monsters like him.

He was used to the cold touch of a gun against his temple, and the ‘bang’ as it goes off for the twelth time of the day.

He wasn’t used to the low voice telling him that it’s alright, it’s okay to just cry sometimes. 

He wasn’t used to the strong hands not here to hurt but to comfort. 

He wasn’t used to a hand taking his and leading him gently to the couch.

He wasn’t used to feeling arms around him.

He wasn’t used to hear what the man murmured softly in his ear.

 

“I’ve got you”

>   
>  But that doesn’t help me any  
>  If you’re impossible to read  
>  So if you love me, if you love me  
>  Come clean  
>  -If You Love Me, Flatsound  
> 


	2. A promise lost in the silence of your dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was so tired of taking his own life, and failing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank the three persons who commented on the first chapter : georgelovelylace, aravenwood and Ella, I love you !!! Thank you !
> 
> Now, this chapter is waaaay shorter but I just needed to end it there, it was just so beautiful to just end it there and... yeah, have fun reading this short chapter, I'll be waiting for your feedback while I write more :D

> These monsters in my closet  
>  Are watching over me  
>  The days are getting shorter  
>  And at night it’s hard to sleep  
>  The combination of all of this  
>  Is the death of everything  
>  _Flatsound 

As he held a sleeping Bruce closely, Clint thought.

He knew he was inlove with the genius. That much was pretty clear. He had been inlove before, but those times felt like small crushes compared to what he felt now. 

He wanted to kiss the scientist. He knew it would probably feel like a thousand fireworks in his chest, and sparkles as strong as Thor’s lightning on his skin wherever it touched Bruce’s. 

He also knew he couldn’t do that. 

Banner did not love him back.

The man was just allowing the hug because he hadn’t had one in god knows how long. Maybe years. Even decades. 

Slowly, he ran his fingers through Bruce’s messy hair. 

He would protect this man. And it didn’t matter if Bruce never loved him back. 

It did not matter at all.

“I love you” He whispered, burying his face in Bruce’s hair and closing his eyes.

\---------

Bruce stayed still in Clint’s arms. He had woken up a few minutes ago, and he didn’t dare to move, in case it would wake the archer.

He didn’t know what to do.

Those arms around him, they felt nice.

This hand in his hair, it was comforting.

Clint’s slow hot breaths against his neck, it screamed ‘safe’. 

And Bruce’s pulse replied shyly, asking ‘please, maybe, save me’ as his heart betrayed him, beating too fast, crying out : ‘If you love me, oh if you love me, hurry, I am breaking for the last time as I slowly but surely die.’

It’s painful, oh so painful, but Bruce knows that those thoughts are just the wild dreams of a man broken beyond repair.

Clint would never love someone like him. Clint is far above falling inlove with a monster. Clint has other things to do than comforting a pathetic thing.

Slowly, carefully, Bruce got out of Clint’s embrace.

\-----

It has been an hour. In a corner of his lab, Bruce is spitting his fourth bullet. There is blood everywhere. On the wall, on the floor, on his clothes, on his skin. 

It will never be as much blood as the metaphorical one that covers his hands.

He looks down at the gun. It’s heavy, and cold. Like his heart.

It always hurts. He always dies for a few seconds. Or minutes. The recovery time gets longer every time. 

He was so tired of taking his own life, and failing. 

He can feel his heart beating, and it doesn’t comfort him. It reminds him of the crazy and stupid hope the organ pumps through his veins. The hope that someone is going to save him. And it sings, like a broken record. ‘If you love me, if you love me, save me. If you love me my dear, hurry’

 

‘If you love me,’

He takes a deep breath.

‘If you love me..’

Bang.

> So if you love me, if you love me  
>  Hurry  
>  _Flatsound 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who want to kill me ? 
> 
> *everyone raises their hand*
> 
> hm ok... I'll just... Take the exit, alright ? See ya, bye !
> 
> \--------
> 
> Yeah anyway this joke was bad and I'm eating pizza tonight. This was an important info. 
> 
> \-------
> 
> ok real important info now /!\
> 
> Next chapter will probably be in less than a week, maybe even tonight. I just need some feedback on this chapter to motivate me to write the fourth one. Yeah the third one is ready ^^  
> I know I'm not a very serious writer, no regular updates and everything, but at least it means that if you're nice you get a loooot of chapters and content ! 
> 
> Oh also, if you have a fanfiction idea, I mean a prompt, you can always ask me, you never know, I might like your idea and adopt it !
> 
> And last but not least, if you are feeling like Bruce, do not keep it to yourself and wait for people to notice. Most of the time the sadest people are those who hide the best, and that means that even if your friends and family would help you, they can't, because they can't figure out that something's wrong with you. This is why everyone says that when you're sad you need to talk about it, and if you don't want your family and friends to know just how bad you feel, well I'm here, I don't know you and you barely know me, and believe me, sometimes talking to a stranger helps a lot. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm probably overdoing it, sorry ^^''
> 
> Don't forget to comment, I will love you forever if you do it ! See you next chapter ! (or in the comments, coz I will reply)
> 
> Btw the title just means that bruce was asleep when clint said I love you (and I know it would have been so much easier if he had heard it) 
> 
> And yes I consider that love is a promise, fight me ! x)


	3. Bratik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It would have been way too easy if no one had heard. 
> 
> An affectionate form to refer to one's (usually younger) brother is bratik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An affectionate form to refer to one's (usually younger) brother is bratik.

The first time Natasha tried to talk to Clint, it did not go well. 

Clint slowly woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon. 

“Food ?” He asked, his voice still rough and confused from sleep.

“Yes, come sit with me, idiot. We need to talk.” Called Natasha from the kitchen. 

Clint wondered what he had done this time while getting up and rubbing his eyes.

“Whatever I did I swear it was Stark.” He announced as he sat and grabbed a plate of eggs and bacon. 

Natasha stared at him from the sit in front of him. “So it is Stark that I found in the common room, hugging a sleeping Bruce and whispering-”

“OKAY OKAY OKAY !” Clint cut Natasha before she could say it out loud, just in case someone was listening. 

Oh my god, why did Natasha have to hear that ? Couldn’t he be lucky just for once ? This was a private one way conversation ! Even if it was in the common room. And Jarvis was probably recording. Which might be how Natasha found out. 

Clint grabbed his hair and pulled.

“You’re blushing really hard right now” Informed the redhead.

“THIS IS NOT HELPING”

“Bratik, listen to me. I already knew it anyway. It doesn’t matter. What matters now is that you should tell him.” It always impressed him how Natasha could have such a soft voice when she was speaking to her loved ones.

“I just did.”

“While he is awake.”

“What ?! Are you insane ?! I won’t.”

“You really should.” Insisted Natasha.

“Do not tell me what to do.” Growled Clint. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings with anyone, even his best friend. They were his and his alone, and he would never dare to hurt Bruce by telling him. 

“I don’t think Bruce is okay, Clint. He needs you, you can’t act like a child about this, it’s too important” Tried the other spy one last time.

Clint saw red. How dared she ?! He knew very well to what extent Bruce was not okay !

She hadn’t seen the pills and bullets bathing in Bruce’s blood.  
She hadn’t seen the scientist hands shake as they held onto a razor blade.   
She hadn’t seen the bloodstains left on the white wall after Bruce shot himself.   
She hadn’t seen everything Clint had witnessed. 

She didn’t know anything.

“Don’t you dare pretend that you know him better than I do !” He yelled, not caring about someone hearing him anymore, before stomping out of the kitchen. 

He needed to make a nest. Surely no one would find him if he put it somewhere high enough. And if someone did find him, they’d better not disturb him.

\-----------------------

“What the fuck have I just witnessed ?” Asked Tony slowly, still not sure of what had happened.

“Clint being an idiot in love.” Deadpanned Natasha while turning to look at the inventor.

He opened his mouth. 

“Yes, I know more, but no, I won’t tell you, you’ll make it worse.” The redhead informed him, before finishing her eggs and bacon and leaving the kitchen. “You can finish Clint’s if you want !” She called from the common room.

Tony made a face at Clint's leftovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An affectionate form to refer to one's (usually younger) brother is bratik.
> 
> (I put it everywhere so I'm sure you find it)
> 
> \---
> 
> So, a chapter on a lighter note, I bet it feels like a breath of fresh air, but how is doing Bruce ? 
> 
> Aaaaand you're worried again about poor Brucie Bear. Who will find him ? Will anyone even find him, if Clint is in such a strong need of making a nest and cutting himself from the rest of the world ?   
> Or will it be Bruce who finds Clint, for once ?
> 
> A short extract for you addicted readers, because I love you too much not to make you suffer a little bit more ? Yeah let's go. 
> 
> \-------------
> 
> Hours later, Bruce stood up from where he had been sitting against a bloodstained wall. The echo of a soft voice was tingling his ears.
> 
> ‘I’ve got you’
> 
> His hands started shaking again, and he heard the faint sound of a razor blade hitting the ground. 
> 
> \-------------
> 
> I'm nice, there is worse, so much worse I could have put there. x) So say thank you, kids ! ^^
> 
> See you next chapter, tomorow hopefully, or maybe even tonight, once again, depends of the feedback I get :)


	4. Standing In The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The archer couldn’t watch without doing anything anymore.  
> He had to do something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys !! I hope I didn't make you wait for too long. Enjoy !

> Tried to see what it means to say  
>  Break my bones then I praise the pain  
>  _The Paper Kites-Standing in the Rain

Bruce stabbed his arm with a bit of broken glass, and then watched it bleed out. He was no longer bothered by the pain, he hadn’t been in a long time, and wondered if he would have to fake a painful expression if he ever got hurt in front of someone, so he wouldn’t pass for even more of a freak than he actually is.

The wound was healing so fast that the skin was swallowing the glass. 

Bruce took the bit of glass out and cut the wound several times, reopening it and making it bleed even more. The blood streamed down is too thin body and made the pool around the physicist grow. He looked around. His vision was blurry, but he could still see that he had made a mess again. 

Pills everywhere. 

A gun, and the dozen of bullets he spit aligned near it.

A blowtorch. 

A scalpel.

Alcohol and broken bottles lying near the opposite wall.

Bruce hated drinking. It reminded him of his father. Everytime he smelled it he could hear the echoes of the violent insults, the screams and pleas of his mom, the laugher of his father, the sound the belt made when his genitor undid it and snapped it to scare him, and then the sound it made when it hit his skin. 

He flinched out of the memories, but the voice of his father followed him. “YOU FREAK !!” It roared, tearing through his head more violently than a bullet. 

He dropped his head, and his eyes fell on his bloody hands.

‘This is not my blood. This the blood of all the peoples I killed. Humans. Civilians. Children.’ He thought, before clenching his hands. 

\----

Hours later, Bruce stood up from where he had been sitting against a bloodstained wall. The echo of a soft voice was tingling his ears.

‘I’ve got you’

His hands started shaking again, and he heard the faint sound of a razor blade hitting the ground. 

A painful ball of pain started choking him.

He could feel the flow of tears coming.

‘Monsters do not have the right to cry !’ His father’s voice roared. 

He flinched.

He didn’t want to be alone.

\----

Clint had found a spot on the roof of the Avengers Towers and made a comfy nest. He was now playing Mario Kart on an old Nintendo DS while eating crisps.

He was sure that no one would bother him for a while, since only Thor and Iron Man landed on that roof from time to time. Thor was in Asgard to visit his brother, and Tony was probably in his lab, or at least Clint hoped he was. 

He really didn’t want anyone to break his peace. He needed some alone time to figure everything out. 

So of course that’s just when he thought that that someone decided to wander on the roof. 

His hands formed fist and he greeted his teeth as he lifted his head, ready to tell whoever it was to fucking leave him alone, but when he saw who was standing in the middle of the roof, looking utterly lost and lonely, the only word that dared fall out of his mouth was a small and quiet : “Bruce ?”

The scientist flinched and turned towards Clint.

The archer stood up slowly, never breaking eye contact with Bruce. He did not want to scare the physicist any more.

As he approached the man step by step, Clint noticed the blood on Bruce’s lab coat, and the tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay ?” He asked softly as he kept getting closer.

Bruce looked at him like his question was the hardest one he ever had to answer.

“I-I-I-I-I… I don’t know…” He stuttered in a small voice.

“Okay, okay, it’s okay if you don’t know, Bruce.” Clint said, trying to use is softest voice.

The scientist held his gaze as the tears in one of his eyes overflowed, letting a single pearl roll down his cheek as thunder shook the sky and a heavy rain started to fall. 

The genius closed his eyes and hid his face behind his trembling hands as a heartbreaking sob shook his shoulders and stabbed Clint’s chest.

The archer couldn’t watch without doing anything anymore.  
He had to do something.

“Come with me, Bruce. We’re going to your room and you’re going to sleep for as long as your body needs.”

The scientist didn’t move. Clint wondered if he had even heard him, and quickly decided that it did not matter.

He took two more steps forward and grabbed the other man’s hands, removing them from his beautiful face.

Clint wanted to kiss him so badly.

Bruce freed one of his hands to wipe the tears and rain from his face. His eyes seemed both terrified and hopeful for… No it couldn’t be.

It looked like Bruce wanted Clint to kiss him. 

“Come with me I said. We’re going to your room” He repeated, before leading Bruce all the way to his room, never letting go of his hand. 

Once he arrived in the comfy bedroom that looked a lot like his, except the walls were light blue and the furniture in lighter wood. Clint’s walls were light purple and his furniture was darker. People would have supposed that Bruce’s walls would be green, but Tony was smarter than that, he would never have chosen a color that might remind Bruce of the hulk. 

The bed was large enough for two, but Clint wasn’t ready to risk getting a boner and Bruce noticing. The archer would just have to make himself a nest in the corner the closest to the bed.

“Okay, Bruce, you get ready to sleep, take a shower, get in your pajamas or whatever, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Clint waited for the genius to nod before leaving the room.

> Don't take shelter stand in the rain  
>  It's meant to feel that way  
>  _The Paper Kites-Standing In The Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, how was it ? I hope you liked it, please tell me in the comments if that's the case ^^
> 
> What do you think will happen in next chapter ? I haven't written it yet. And they still haven't eaten their ice cream and pizza... Hey you know what ? My boyfriend and I eat that like, once a week these days. I feel sooooo lucky x) 
> 
> IMPORTANT INFO  
> The song lyrics are from Bruce's point of view, and I just wanted to point out that while Bruce doesn't want to take shelter from the rain, Clint leads him to one. So uh yeah that a smart metaphoric way to say that Clint's finally going to help Bruce for real.


	5. Close Your Eyes And Dare To Admit It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce goes to sleep everynight. He should be good at it by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long. So sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter even though nothing much happens except angst/fluff

> I saw you wanted this to end  
> You tried your best to be a friend to my heart  
> But I'm leaving this worry town  
> Please no grieving, my love, understand?
> 
> -Placebo, A Million Little Pieces

Bruce stood in his bedroom, staring at the door Clint had disappeared behind, unable to move. He couldn’t be sure that the bowman would come back.  
He didn’t know if he wanted him to come back.

No, actually, he knew. He knew he selfishly wanted the blond to come back and hold him in his arms until Bruce could finally fall asleep. He wanted Clint to tell him he loved him, to tell him he is wanted. He wanted someone to tell him that it’s going to be alright, that it’s not his fault all those civilians died. 

When Clint came back with a plate of food, the scientist still hadn’t moved an inch. 

“Bruce ?” Called the blond as he put the plate on the desk, pushing around a few papers full of math and chemistry formulas to make room. He then focused his attention on the physicist. 

“Bruce, can you hear me ?”

The man nodded. 

“Okay, okay. You know I’m here for you, right ? You can tell me if something’s wrong.” Clint told him softly.

Oh, if only he knew how much Bruce wanted to tell him everything. To not be alone anymore.  
But Bruce loved him too much to hurt him with this. It was a weight he had to carry by himself, no matter how heavy and painful.

“I know” He murmured.

Clint looked around and spotted the genius’ pajamas. He picked them up and handed them to Bruce.

“You should go to the bathroom to shower and change, lo-hm” Clint coughed. “Bruce.”

Bruce stared at the blond. He felt so slow and weak. 

He took the pajamas and headed for the bathroom. He locked the door behind him.

“Hum, Bruce, would you mind not locking the door ? I don’t.. I don’t think I feel comfortable knowing you could.. And I couldn’t… You know.” Called Clint. He sounded like he was right behind the door. 

“Okay.” Said Bruce, his voice sounding empty even to him. He unlocked the door.

“Thank you” Clint said, the relief obvious in his voice.

Bruce went to the mirror and stared at the person he hated the most. ‘Fuck You’ He mouthed. ‘Can’t you just die ?!’ Those thoughts felt like screams, but he knew no one could hear them but him.

“You alright in there ? I’m not hearing the shower. You don’t wanna clean up ? It’s okay if you don’t you’ll just do it tomorrow. I’m not forcing you, you know that right ?” Clint rambled. He sounded worried now.

Bruce was truly toxic to people. ‘You made him worry now ! You’re poison.’ He mouthed to his reflection before turning to the door.

“I’m alright” He told the bowman.

He went to the shower and turned the cold water on. He took off his clothes and stepped in.  
He started shivering instantly and the hulk briefly tried to get out, but the green guy knew Bruce wouldn’t let him, so he gave up.

He stood, unmoving, under the cold water for long minutes.

Flashes of people he had killed, buildings he had destroyed, passed in front of his eyes. 

“YOU FREAK !” His father’s voice yelled, and he flinched so hard he slipped and fell, hitting his head. 

“Bruce ! Bruce are you alright ?!”

The genius groaned and closed his eyes. No, no he wasn’t alright, and it wasn’t just because of the pain in his head.

His heartache was so much worse.

A hand softly landed on his hair. Another lightly touched his shoulder.

“Hey, Brucie bear, I swear I’m not looking anywhere other than your face, but please, get out of here, the water is freezing cold.” Clint said in a soothing tone. 

The scientist opened his eyes. The blond was staring right into them. It felt like Clint was seeing his very soul. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” He mumbled.

Clint’s eyes widened and he blushed. “I swear I didn’t look !” 

Bruce laughed a little, turning Clint’s embarrassment into fascination. “I was talking about the.. Oh nevermind. Could you hum… Please ?” Asked Bruce. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’ll just uh, wait for you outside.” Stuttered Clint, blushing once more as he exited the bathroom. 

Bruce dried himself and put on his pajamas before going back to the bedroom. 

Clint was arranging a pile of blankets and pillows in one of the corners of the room.

“What are you doing ?” Questioned Bruce, even though it was pretty obvious that the archer had decided to spend the night with him.

“Making a nest.” Replied Clint as if it was obvious. And yeah, it was.

“Yes, but why are you doing it here ? This is my bedroom.”

“Exactly.” Said Clint, before taking off his shirt and trousers and curling up in the fluffy pile.

It looked so comfy, Bruce wanted to try it. 

“Could you turn off the light ? Unless you sleep with a light on, in this case it’s okay but please go to bed” Mumbled Clint through a pillow he was holding against him.

Bruce looked at the archer for a few seconds, appreciating the beauty of the instant. An instant like no other. Something that would never happen again. 

He turned off the lights and went to bed, hugging one of his pillows, wishing he was brave enough, selfish enough, to join Clint. 

Soon, anything Bruce will do would never happen to him again. He had taken his decision. He’d find a way.

He didn’t have much time then. If he ever wanted to know what it felt like to fall asleep in the arms of a loved one, he had to experience it now. 

It took several long minutes for Bruce to gather enough courage to get up and slowly step closer and closer to Clint’s nest.

He wondered if the archer was already sleeping. He couldn’t see the man’s eyes.   
He wondered if the blond would attack him if the scientist woke him up.  
He wondered if Clint would reject him.

“Bruce ?” Asked the other man in a sleepy voice.

All Bruce’s bravery ran away.

“I-I’m sorry, were you sleeping ?” He stuttered. 

“No, I wasn’t.” Pretended the bowman as he sat up and turned his head to the physicist, examining him. 

Bruce stood there in silence, starting to feel like he had made a mistake.

‘YOU ARE THE MISTAKE’ yelled his father. 

The genius flinched slightly. 

Clint stayed silent for two more seconds before extending his hand. “Come here.”

Bruce took the blond’s hand and let the bowman settle them in the nest comfortably. Clint was now spooning him, and Bruce was facing the window. It felt so reassuring to have the strong arms of the archer around him. 

After a while, Clint’s breathing evened as the archer fell asleep.

The city was beautiful at night. 

If Bruce kept living, this beauty would be destroyed eventually.  
Oh, he wished he could be sure that he is in control of the monster inside of him, but all he knows is that his demons are getting stronger, as his will to live gets weaker. 

He doesn’t want to fight anymore. Staying alive will only cause more deaths. 

As the tiredness slowly closed his eyes and put him to sleep, the echo of a song he had heard a teenage boy play once, sounded in his head.

> Once again I step inside my shoes  
> A battle now for every single thing I do  
> And I don't care because I don't have a clue  
> I seem to close all the windows in my room  
> That tell me how I am comfortable inside this broken, tainted, skin that I'm in  
> I can't win  
> -Tyler Joseph, Hear Me Now

“I can’t win.” He whispered, voice breaking, eyes closed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, did you like it ? I really hope you understand how much I love all your comments they're always so sweet ! 
> 
> How are you by the way ?
> 
>  
> 
> Personally I just traumatized myself by watching the september 11th 2001 movie, ya know, "world trade center" and maybe you americans all know that movie, but really, as a french girl, I never heard any details of this horror. I was curious. Now I want to write something were Tony is trapped under a building with Peter or idk, maybe Bucky or Clint. 
> 
> It'd be so freaking angsty you would all die. And also some main characters would die. so yeah, you shouldn't want me to write that. because, you know, I'd do it if you wanted. But, don't ask me ok ? You'd cry. A lot. And I would to, especially since I'd have to rewatch the whole movie and it would freaking suck to get traumatized twice and oh yeah I just rambled what you gonna do ? steal my cookies ?

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like there is a special atmosphere to this fic, but it might just be me, tell me if you feel it, pretty please ?
> 
> Now a special note for those of you who follow the fanfiction called The Hardest Choice (is the one we should never have to make) I WILL KEEP POSTING CHAPTERS DO NOT WORRY, I just had a lot to do last month, but, yeah, don't worry okay ? I'm just struggling with chapter 18. Struggling a lot. But I'll finish it one day ! 
> 
>  
> 
> Yeah anyway comments are really appreciated and I will read and answer to them all :)
> 
> (my tumblr : zeyrablue)


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